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A lot of what my posts are going to be about will reflect my philosophies about working out and more importantly: training. Firstly, there is not a distinct method of training or workout style that I personally view as supreme or even my favourite. I respect all disciplines whether it's bodybuilding, powerlifting, athletics, general fitness, or whatever. What I get most excited about is using the body and seeing just how much it can improve day-by-day. Testing the limits that you are capable of reaching and then breaking past what you thought was possible is an event so gratifying and powerful that it is often electric. Those of you who have set fitness goals and achieved them know exactly what I mean.
This improvement is not just physical for me. When I first started working out I was a bucket of lard. Weighing in at 275lbs at the start of my senior year in high school, I reached a breaking point where I told myself that living that way was just not an option anymore. I was done telling myself that I was an athletic fat guy or that my genetics were to blame for my appearance. These were just lies that I used to try and mask my laziness and fear to commit.
Ask me 5 years ago what I see in this picture? I'd say a worthless, volatile human being.
The fear to commit is a very real phobia. When you're that out of shape and you feel as disgusting as I did on a daily basis, you're essentially in a state of constant vulnerability. Sure you can try and mentally train yourself to ignore the fear of rejection - tell yourself that you're beautiful on the inside and that's all that matters. I did that and sometimes it worked. The lies made me feel less vulnerable for a stretch of time. I had been able to develop a comfort zone where I was content being as obese as I was where any infraction on my comfort zone only lasted a few minutes before I found peace in the lies again. These infractions were very simple and happened semi-frequently throughout a normal day.
Standing up from your seat and seeing it pooled with sweat even though you weren't doing anything strenuous at all was an infraction on my comfort zone I faced more than a couple times a day. It really is embarrassing and I would pray to god that no one else sitting near me noticed the sweat on my seat. Or the hope that no one dared have a conversation with me while we were walking up a flight of stairs - breathing was hard enough. Or being the guy who didn't do grade 9 gym because it was co-ed and got butterflies in the stomach every time the grade 10 all-boys gym class interacted with the grade 10 all-girls gym class. Being too afraid to talk to the girl you like because you know you're nothing but an instant rejection waiting to happen.
Of course, those infractions may not be as simple as I first mentioned. There clearly is a range of embarrassing elements to hating your body. And I use the word hate very carefully here. It really was hate. I speculate that people who never hit rock-bottom about their body image may find it hard to understand such a silly concept. How could you hate your own body? Believe me, it's possible. I would tell myself: man, if I wasn't so fat I would be the most popular kid in the school.; Look at that guy over there! He sucks. If I had a body like his I would get every single girl in my grade lining up to be my girlfriend.; People only like me because they need a fat guy in the group. Every group of friends needs a punchline and I'm a self-bullying fat kid; You're going to die alone. No one could ever love you. How could somebody love you if you don't even love yourself?; Don't bother trying to achieve anything, fatass. You've failed so many times before at losing weight, what makes you think you can accomplish anything real in your life?; You'll be dead by 50.; I wonder what my toes look like?
That last line was a joke but still serious. I could not look down in a natural position and see my toes (or my manhood) until halfway through grade 12.
These are all very real and just one person's experience of hating their body. And hate is one of those emotions that transcend what it means to be an emotion. Feeling joy or gloomy or bitter or mad is very non-threatening to your self-respect or the state of your mental stability. Hate consumes you. A lot of days, the only thing I could think about was how disgusting everybody probably thought I was. I would starve myself for a day and then pig-out the next. I had no idea what I was doing and all that I knew was that my shirt size was XXL and my pant size was 44 inches (and that was without needing a belt).
This was my breaking point.
This is when I started researching. Reading. Watching videos. Buying weird foods (tofu anyone?). I didn't know what the hell I was doing but all I knew was that something had to be done. I started working out twice a day. An hour before school and an hour and a half afterwards. My weightlifting technique was wrong for just about every lift and I had zero coordination necessary for a treadmill but goddammit I put all my effort into it. I still have nagging injuries from all the rookie mistakes I made by putting more effort into my exercising than I did brains. But I'm so much better now because of it. It wasn't the right way to do it by any means but it was something. I had tried and given up so many times before but not this time. This time was different. This time I had hate and I realized this hate.
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This is one of the few times I'll probably pause from an abstract conversation and be more practical, but if you're overweight like I was - the scale is your enemy. If you check that thing day to day or even week to week, you're guaranteeing your own heartbreak. After I decided to change my life, I waited 3 months before checking the scale and it was at this time that the number I saw in front of me was 35lbs less than what I started out with. Focusing on doing the right thing, eating the right thing, following a reasonable set of lifestyle changes will allow the results to come and the weight to drop.
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These are my experiences but as a human being, I am not just the sum of my individual parts. I am greater than this. Everybody is. This was a very difficult understanding for me to come to and it was only after I had a birth, rebirth, and death of my ego did I realize that my weight - just like any other part of me - was not something to identify myself by. However, this does not mean that I am immune to improvement. Nobody is. Conversations about fat-shaming and loving your body can only extend so far before the serious question must be asked: am I healthy? And this question is only partly directed towards your physical body. Some of the most able-bodied people I know suffer from afflictions that move beyond a muscular frame and an impressive exercise routine. Mental and spiritual health are just as important. Ignore any one of these 3 important parts of what you are and you find yourself sick and lacking. This is what training helped me realize. It was through exercising my body, reaching goals but still not seeing the results I wanted mentally and spiritually that I realized fitness can only go so far. But this conversation is better left for part 2 of this post.
I conclude this with the sentiment that I could not have achieved what I did without help. It was friends and family that supported me and my journey that are to thank for my accomplishment. I encourage everyone to take the first step in identifying what issue they have that might be affecting their health. But more-so, I encourage everyone to try and help other people find theirs. A little support and encouragement can go a very long way to inspire someone to fix whatever injury, be it bodily or other, may be harming their life.
Extending your hand and grabbing another may be someone's saving grace. Do not hesitate to help someone hanging on by only a thread. The man on the right in the picture above did just that for me and saved a life. You can too.
You inspire me brother!
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